11:18  02052015  Another snow day, another Thursday without
Having done one thing and  decided  to  stop  I
the kids, i.e., alone, aside from getting depressed talking about
     do  another.   I turn the book upside down
Israel and world war 3 with Moira, and visiting town
and write in  here  without talking about today
to pick up mail, read the paper, shovel my steps, and buy
  in particular  or  what  I  feel  or  who  I  am
food, acting obnoxious and involving with the cashiers.
     but  mixing  fiction  with  nonfiction
     020715  12:10 am – Doorjamyard frozen so I can’t open door.
if what is said about me is true
     020815  12:04 am – 4 deer in the dark snowcovered lane.
        the way it flows without telling me
College senior homicidal as if over not getting invited. I don’t
meaning  or  intention  or  the  point
even know what I mean by my words of wisdom, but I’m
   “flows”                   rolling with the resistance
convinced about them having some useful meaning.
         Excuse me while I feel paralyzed
     020815  11:32 pm – Captivated by imagery, seen or imag-
 “‘flows’”   We excuse ourselves to step unwittingly
 ined. A day of chores & mostly absorption in the drama of
               into  the  blue               ocean  of  your  eyes
Iris’s appeal to take Drivers Ed next week – finally C & I agree
       we  feel  recognized            you  realize
on now (instead of June) if Iris will take 2 sax lessons & learn
the  sky  is  tar,  a  hue  imagined
what she failed on her math midterm -- & the quiz last week . . .
                because  it  feels  that  way
      020915 11:53 pm – Get into bed and I’m freezing. It’s
Trash  floats  along  the  beltway
always 10o out, the past few days.
             a ribbon of foam crosses the floor
     021115 12:00 AM . . . Pockets of air and time. The good feeling of
         vapid hammerlock forces the issue
my being used for someone else’s recovery, by that person.
into penury  –  worthless labor exhausts energy
     021115 11:43pm – Goethe told deKooning, At 60, one begins all
            Don’t try to destroy your worth, only
over again. Can one get stuck up an alley at 65? Or am I just
              your false reputation.   The answers lie
becoming the hard bud that will blossom more uproariously?
in  humility,  solitude,  and  adhesiveness  anyway
     11:56 PM 02122015 – Comfortable with Jasper and Iris, who ate
     way  deeper  than  that              that  torn
my dinner: kale, spaghetti w/ red pepper pesto, chicken sausages w/
briefs                        shirt label                     index
onions, mushrooms and garlic, as well as pizza snack w/ tea.
        finger worming its way into sticky
     021315 11:25pm – New client, a real writer and immigrant.
habitation of the silk worm                       repeating
I learned from Sheri how to stream video onto the big screen.
                   the image of a man of private parts
   021415 11:06pm – Lying down I think again of Paige
            an  ingenious  start  for  a  work  that  can
Valentines Day solo drive to Augusta and back, for
never  be  finished
Changing Maine conference and swimming at the Y.
                      Words  make   me  sick.     I am dissa-
Mysterious and complex whirleds of feeling.
pointed  in  love  –  the  kind  of  mating
         021515 11:27 pm – I wrote the article, did the laundry,
        I  want  to  do       I  need  to  do
called the kids, moved some snow, and got totally sidetracked
        wholesale  acceptance  or  no  sale  at  all
by Hikaru No Go tumbler fanfic and so on, forgetting to look
surrender,  mutual           Why am I telling you
over tax returns. . . . an abiding sense of increasing
           secrets             Let  there  be  no  secrets
clutter . . . and wrote Paige twice, by texting. . . .
between us except that which  I  tell  no  one
   021715 12:29am – Winter is SO COLD!! I am a serious
        the  contours               hold an insane rhythm
writer. My concern for my patients wears me out.
words tell me          his voice touches
My newsletter article was too long so tonight I
                   on the wrist               arched back mid-
cut it in half. I said goodbye by phone to Iris.
air                I could use some help in heating this
      021715 11:47pm – Not enough free wandering in the
body  once  the  clothes  are  taken  off  and
meadows. There is love and there is money (or
the  wind  picks  up              sliding
fear). The body contact. Imagined.
    as  though  the  world  were  a  chute

 STEVE BENSON      04 10 15

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